Saturday, December 18, 2010
It's not pride after all
First of all, there's nothing on T.V. at 3:00 a.m. Ever.
After the last 7 days I have come to the realization that pride is only a fraction of my problem when it comes to my RA and fibromyalgia. The bigger problem I'm facing is denial. For months now I have thought that it was pride that was my struggle. Not wanting to ask for help or not wanting people to know how badly the pain was affecting me. The bigger picture has shown me this week that my bigger issue is denial. Denial that these diseases, both of them, will progress. Denial that there is a possibility that the pain could get worse instead of better. Denial that my body and life is changing around me regardless of whether I want it to or not.
I like my rheumatologist. Actually I like the physician's assistant that works with my rheumatologist. Yes, the doctor is fine, too, but I really don't mind at all seeing his PA. I am blessed that neither one of them has made me feel stupid or insignificant because of my pain. They have always considered my feelings on my pain 100% valid. That kind of treatment is rare. Question is, if I don't have a problem seeing them, why do I put it off for so long? Up until 2 days ago I didn't realize how large my medical record had gotten at my rheumatologist's office. I worked in family practice for years and large charts like that were reserved for the elderly and....oh wait....yeah, the chronically ill.
"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." ~Romans 5:3-5
It's the step between character and hope where I've stumbled. Between character and hope there is a place I am stuck in called denial. It's not denial that I am sick. It's a denial that it's going to get worse. I have fully accepted that I have RA, and I have fully accepted that I have fibromyalgia. I am 110% positive and have faith that at any time that God has all the power to reach down and heal everything. I understand and have accepted that he has me here and has allowed my suffering for reasons that I cannot yet see, but are to the benefit and growth of His kingdom and to completely glorify Him. However, up until about 2 days ago, I had not even begun to consider that I was going to get WORSE. I didn't know that the pain would spread and be so devestating. I had persevered up until this point. I had pushed through. I had always taken care of things. Oh, sometimes I needed a day to recuperate, but I was always ready to face a new day in the morning. So as day 2 passed and then day 3...I got up and went on day 4. Ready or not, here I come.
So, with a doctor's order to take day 5 and two trigger point injections later I am fully aware that there will be disease progression. More painful than the awareness is the fact that with that progression my life will change. I will change. I am no longer and will never again be a "normal" 32 year old mother of 2 boys, wife, analyst, jewelry lady. Don't get me wrong....I am still all of those things, but not like everyone else.
The pain changes everything. Somehow I have to get back the hope and lay everything else down at the cross.