Monday, September 26, 2011

A New Kind of Commitment Phobe

Commitment is the enemy of resistance, for it is the serious promise to press on, to get up, no matter how many times you are knocked down. ~David McNally

If anyone has done a bible study or heard some teaching on spiritual gifts, you'll know what I mean when I say that I am spiritually gifted in hospitality. I have always loved having people in my home....small groups, friends, family, extra name it. In the past year or so, however, having flare up after flare up after flare of either fibromyalgia or rheumatoid arthritis has hindered my openness. Not so much my spirit of hospitality, but more of the ability to keep the commitments I make. Whether it's a grouchy attitude or pure exhaustion, I simply don't want company. Maybe it's more that I don't want anyone seeing how dreadfully dirty my unkempt house is thanks to chronic pain, either.

Along those same lines, I've lost my drive to go out, too. Let me rephrase that. I've lost my drive to go out past 5 o'clock in the evening. It's around supper time when my get up and go, got up and went most of the time. My husband and I have had long conversations about going to the movies in particular. I have 2 issues with movie theaters....1.) The steps. To get to the good seats, you have to climb a plethora of steps. 2.) The uncomfortable seats combined with the cold climate in the theater. Thus, my husband who LOVES going to see movies in the theater is having to go by himself more or with friends more often.

Both of these things make me incredibly crabby. I don't really consider myself to be a fuddy-duddy or boring by any stretch of the imagination. But these two things in particular make me feel old and like not much fun at all. So I found myself uttering those horrible words today, "I can't commit to that right now, but...." **sigh** Needless today, most days now, I just don't have the energy or the drive to press on and to get up no matter how many times I'm knocked down. I need to be awesome.

For lack of better wording.....I need to get my mojo back.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Learning Curve

The past week leading up to National Invisible Illness Awareness week has been one of the most difficult for me since I was first diagnosed 5 years ago. Today was my first day out of my house in 10 could say I am suffering from a bit of cabin fever on top of everything else.

My RA has been "active" for months now. I'm not even sure I realized that I was in a "flare" until it was basically too late to control. I smile to myself because up until last week, I hadn't realized the difference, even though I have always considered myself to be well-educated when it came to this disease. So either I am incredibly strong or significantly in denial as to the level at which my disease has progressed. I'm going with the latter of the two.

Without details, it basically comes down to the fact that I have gone through all of my basic options for treatment and am now moving into the treatment for "moderate to servere" rheumatoid arthritis. As I'm nodding in agreement at what my rheumatologist was telling me last week, in my head all I can hear is "WHAT?! Are you SURE?!" I came home talking to myself and telling myself that I'm fine and that I can still work.... I can still take care of my family....I can, you're right......I am having trouble with those things.

And, of course, the reality of taking stronger, more expensive medications is also starting to sink in as I read about the side effects and the precautions that you need to take and what you may be susceptible to, all along while paying anywhere from $150.00 to $1000.00 a month (depending on if I've met my deductible or not....geesh....). Seems like a high price to pay to get tuberculosis or even to get every virus that I come in contact with for that matter.

So, I'm still contemplating my choices while recovering from some sickness and trying to manage the pain of which is inevitably a flare at this point.

How much of a learning curve do I get for stubbornness again?