A New Kind of Commitment Phobe

Commitment is the enemy of resistance, for it is the serious promise to press on, to get up, no matter how many times you are knocked down. ~David McNally

If anyone has done a bible study or heard some teaching on spiritual gifts, you'll know what I mean when I say that I am spiritually gifted in hospitality. I have always loved having people in my home....small groups, friends, family, extra pets....you name it. In the past year or so, however, having flare up after flare up after flare of either fibromyalgia or rheumatoid arthritis has hindered my openness. Not so much my spirit of hospitality, but more of the ability to keep the commitments I make. Whether it's a grouchy attitude or pure exhaustion, I simply don't want company. Maybe it's more that I don't want anyone seeing how dreadfully dirty my unkempt house is thanks to chronic pain, either.

Along those same lines, I've lost my drive to go out, too. Let me rephrase that. I've lost my drive to go out past 5 o'clock in the evening. It's around supper time when my get up and go, got up and went most of the time. My husband and I have had long conversations about going to the movies in particular. I have 2 issues with movie theaters....1.) The steps. To get to the good seats, you have to climb a plethora of steps. 2.) The uncomfortable seats combined with the cold climate in the theater. Thus, my husband who LOVES going to see movies in the theater is having to go by himself more or with friends more often.

Both of these things make me incredibly crabby. I don't really consider myself to be a fuddy-duddy or boring by any stretch of the imagination. But these two things in particular make me feel old and like not much fun at all. So I found myself uttering those horrible words today, "I can't commit to that right now, but...." **sigh** Needless today, most days now, I just don't have the energy or the drive to press on and to get up no matter how many times I'm knocked down. I need to be awesome.

For lack of better wording.....I need to get my mojo back.

Learning Curve

The past week leading up to National Invisible Illness Awareness week has been one of the most difficult for me since I was first diagnosed 5 years ago. Today was my first day out of my house in 10 days....you could say I am suffering from a bit of cabin fever on top of everything else.

My RA has been "active" for months now. I'm not even sure I realized that I was in a "flare" until it was basically too late to control. I smile to myself because up until last week, I hadn't realized the difference, even though I have always considered myself to be well-educated when it came to this disease. So either I am incredibly strong or significantly in denial as to the level at which my disease has progressed. I'm going with the latter of the two.

Without details, it basically comes down to the fact that I have gone through all of my basic options for treatment and am now moving into the treatment for "moderate to servere" rheumatoid arthritis. As I'm nodding in agreement at what my rheumatologist was telling me last week, in my head all I can hear is "WHAT?! Are you SURE?!" I came home talking to myself and telling myself that I'm fine and that I can still work.... I can still take care of my family....I can still...um...no, you're right......I am having trouble with those things.

And, of course, the reality of taking stronger, more expensive medications is also starting to sink in as I read about the side effects and the precautions that you need to take and what you may be susceptible to, all along while paying anywhere from $150.00 to $1000.00 a month (depending on if I've met my deductible or not....geesh....). Seems like a high price to pay to get tuberculosis or even to get every virus that I come in contact with for that matter.

So, I'm still contemplating my choices while recovering from some sickness and trying to manage the pain of which is inevitably a flare at this point.

How much of a learning curve do I get for stubbornness again?

Wordless Wednesday.....letting someone else say it for me......

Bras, BenGay, and Being a Year Older

There are a few things that have brought me down a few steps this week, one of them being shopping. I used to love shopping, few women don't. However, I find the variety of shoes that a fashionista with rheumatoid arthritis has to choose from has dwindled, even more than before. Maybe it's my budget is too small, but I can't bring myself to pay big bucks for shoes, even if they are the most comfortable pair this side of the Mississippi. The other area of shopping that has me completely beside myself is bra shopping. As if bras weren't uncomfortable enough, combine that with a back that's riddled with fibromyalgia pain and the choices evaporate altogether. My husband and I went shopping Saturday and I couldn't even look to see if there were things I liked because my shoulders hurt so bad from holding my arms up for more than 10 seconds.

Secondly.....who likes to smell like a pharmacy?! Don't get me wrong, I have days where I love....I mean, LOVE.....my Tylenol Precise or the new Ben Gay Cooling gel. I am hot by nature (smokin' hot, honestly), so the cooling gel is awesome because it doesn't make me feel really hot. And, for the most part, they work. Albeit temporarily, they still work long enough for me to get a nap in sometimes....but that brings me to the third point......

"It is not only the old who are wise, not only the aged who understand what is right." ~Job 32:9

I'm only 33. Wait, scratch that....I'm 32 until Wednesday,. Yep. That's it. I know that sometimes reading my posts probably makes it seem like I'm a lot older, and believe me most days I FEEL old. I feel really old. Like I need to retire from my 40 hours a week kind of old sometimes. I like to think that in my 33 years, the past 5 especially, have made me a "wiser" person. Not as in wise-cracky, but educated. I have spent hour, upon hour, looking for answers regarding my illnesses and desperately trying to connect with people that understand and just "get it" without me having to explain why I feel the way that I do. I have found great camaraderie from people both online and in the small group that I lead through my church.

Camaraderie: n. : a spirit of friendly good-fellowship

So as I turn another year older, I can laugh about my Ben Gay, I can complain that there are no cute shoes, and I can cry with the few girls I know that will truly understand why finding a bra is so defeating and so difficult. The Lord has absolutely blessed me in the face of great opposition....so much so, that I can't help but find myself going back to the scripture that first started me on this blog journey....

"Be generous with the different things God gave you, passing them around so all get in on it: if words, let it be God's words; if help, let it be God's hearty help." ~1 Peter 4:10 (The Message)

Even disease, as much of a disability as it may be, is a gift from God if it's used in the right capacity. Thank you, Lord. You have blessed me more than even I'm aware sometimes.

Wordless Wednesday, with a few words......Shoe Shopping Frustration

I've tried for the past 2 days to find new, comfortable cute shoes.....and I must say, it's so frustrating I'm worried about having a flare up just over the stress of shoe shopping....

I do my research, but it's the availability of the products that frustrates me. Does anyone else get frustrated when they just want to feel normal and not like a sick person, but it seems there is no way around it?

***sigh***

Wordless Wedesday: Change

It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad. ~C. S. Lewis

Wordless Wednesday - What do you need to get through the rest of the week? You need a Happiness Reboot.